A warning before you embark on this blogging journey with me: I will frequently use incorrect grammar (I have real comma and run-on sentence problems) and these pages will be littered with an absurd and irritating amount of “…’s.” I’m not apologizing. Read on if you wish. We all have the freedom of choice today.
Recently I’ve been battling with ‘where I am’ vs. ‘where I want to be.’ Many things will change and be more consistent with how I (and others) want them to be as I become healthier. I know that to be true. It’s exhausting to try to explain and beg others to have patience with me. I often feel discouraged and tempted to give up, to succumb to the way of life I’ve always known. It’s so much easier to let myself slide back into the comfortable and familiar than to hang on, keep climbing, and blindly believe that it’s better on the other side. No, not blindly, that’s not exactly it…I do have some proof it’s better on the other side because it looks more peaceful and people say it is, and if those things weren’t mostly true, those who have arrived there wouldn’t stay. So, I ultimately do believe it’s better ‘over there.’ But I also know the statistics and it’s not so much having to believe it CAN be done as believing I can do it. Because a lot of people make up the other side of the equation, the side that doesn’t make it, no matter how hard or how many times they try. And I’ve never believed in my ability to succeed at anything, so why would this be any different? Why on earth would I be able to succeed at the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do? That’s been my barrier for awhile now, my lack of self-efficacy. I’ve been way past any vestige of denial for a long, long time.
So others can minimize or catastrophize, but no one but me knows how bad it got or how bad it honestly still is…which, yes, I know is the direct result of me never opening my mouth to tell the truth, because frankly, that’s not something we do when we’re in it…it’s just not…And consequentially, no one knows how far I have to go from here, the point where I decide enough is enough. Oh sure, I’ve made that decision plenty of times before…many, MANY nights I went to bed cursing and berating myself for YET AGAIN having failed to do what I PROMISED myself I would do AT ALL COSTS in the morning…each morning it was ‘ENOUGH’ and each night I curled up in bed spooning my self-fulfilling prophesy’s ‘proof’ I was the failure I always believed I was.
And today it doesn’t matter why I had such a strong conviction from a young age that I wasn’t good enough, no matter how ‘perfect’ I became. It’s ridiculous anyway, the idea that perfection is attainable…and I am grateful it’s not anything I am striving for anymore. It does, however, make coming to terms with a life directed toward achieving such an impossible, laughable goal a hard pill to swallow…But, I’m used to swallowing pills by the handful, so that I can do. And for today, I will only take those designed to heal my brain (with its ravaged, jumbled neurotransmitters and receptors) and my body, as they slowly join forces to regulate and make sense of the last 15 years of my life. I guess they’re both pretty mad at me…rightfully so.
Self-medication, -negation, -obliteration; that way of living (dying) just isn’t what I want for myself today. It will bring me no joy. The kind of numbness I have kept turning to isn’t an absence of pain, but merely a deception of my pain receptors, blocking me from experiencing true sensation. For all of us addicts, continuing on that path only prolongs the inevitable thaw that will happen when (if) we choose to put down our substance(s) of choice. So we have two options: exist in an altered, desensitized state for the rest of our lives, or have the courage to get real, tear off the bloody bandaid and let our wounds heal. I want to feel authentic today more desperately than ever before. If I sound desperate, it’s because I am. It’s life or death for me. That’s not dramatic; it’s the truth. I will die prematurely as a direct result of my diseases if I do not change. Please don’t lose faith in me. I need as much encouragement and understanding of the positive choices I make for myself today as I can get. I know I haven’t acted in a way to deserve such unconditional support, and I know enough by now to not have any expectations of anyone. So, if you are interested, I invite you to accompany me as I stumble through this process. Lend a hand if you want when I ask for it. Please don’t take it personally when I don’t. I know I can’t do it alone. Help me recover. I NEED this. Without it, I have nothing.
Thanks for listening…