Unwell comes before well.

I am afraid of meeting new people. We people can be self-centered and untrustworthy (no judgment here, trust[?] me haha). I know because I have been both and because I have seen it. I think I’m a sick person, but not a bad, mean, evil person…are ‘evil’ people truly out there or are they just really, really sick? I don’t know. I don’t want to judge today. All I know is that I don’t want to be untrustworthy in any way anymore because then I will continue to hate myself. I’m tired of that. I want to love myself today and be the honest, genuine, real person I think I am underneath the fear. Fear fear fear. Driving everything. I want to be the kind of person I want to meet in life… someone kind and caring and gentle and forgiving and understanding …who will be there for me, speak the healthy truth, unafraid, truly without judgment …I need to find that version of myself and be it, for myself.

Everyone tells lies…some are boldfaced, some are by omission, some are harmless, some full of good intention, packaged with love, designed to protect… I am like a child, trying to navigate the world and speak my truth, discover my truth, and I am vulnerable and…and…life is hard for me…even though I have everything and so many have it so much worse…I see it. I see it and it hurts. The best thing I can do to help make the world a better place is just be honest, I guess. And at the end of all of it all? I don’t know. I want to live a good life and try to stay positive and have hope. I guess I will do what I can and try not to get down on myself for contributing to this sad state of affairs and not doing more to fix it.

I know there is good in the world, in life, in people, and it’s not black and white. I know ‘It’s not that serious,’ and I am going to do everything I can to lighten up, to serve and help/do my part and live an honorable life. I want self-respect and integrity. I want what I want and I want it now, yes, but I am not a child, and I live in a society so I will have patience with myself and others today.


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