One reason why relapse is often part of the process.

Everytime I try to get clean and sober and food binge/purge free, I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind. I KNOW it’s probably just PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome…PLEASE educate yourself on this if you or a loved one suffers from addiction and is in early recovery) but it makes it really hard to stay on track. Emotional overreaction? Yup. Definitely just broke down over a Facebook exchange that was truly just good-natured banter but ultimately left me feeling like, as usual, I’m ‘too much’…And then Kristen jokingly said she would hide me on the feed because she couldn’t follow what I was saying We’ve also kidded about how I post incessantly and excessively, so I naturally recalled that and all I heard was rejection and my own berating voice saying, “There you go again, being too much of you.” And here I go again being that overly sensitive kid I can’t blame my parents for not knowing how to handle. I don’t want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me and for the most part, I can laugh at myself better than anyone and shrug it off for the absurdity I know it to be, but now enter a scrambled neurochemistry and long history of emotional dysregulation and I’m apt to cry over a joke that I started. I fucking hate it and I KNOW better. And I know why and that it will eventually get better if I stay clean and sober and I am able to align my heart and body more consistently with my rational head knowledge..but it still sucks right now.

Advertisements

One thought on “One reason why relapse is often part of the process.

  1. Gabi says:

    We love u, no matter what !

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s