Internal conflict.

What do you do when you know what’s best for you, but that’s inconsistent with life’s terms? It would be best for me not to go to work today. That’s a fact. I know myself. But I also need to be a responsible, functioning member of society. I can’t just be out whenever I feel any version of unwell. I understand that. That’s how people like us lose jobs. Just go. It doesn’t matter how you feel. Push through it. Ignore that nagging voice. You’re good at setting your needs aside. “Normal” people do it. But at what point does it change? I truly want to have a job, work, be productive and give back. I don’t want to just sit around. That would drive me crazy. I know that. It’s hard to determine where the line is between living life on life’s terms and denying what’s healthy and right for me. Our society doesn’t really allow for it. So for those who are at a point in their lives where they are unwell (physically or mentally) more frequently than others, the choice is suck it up and deal or make the conscious choice to do what feels right and more consistent with staying healthier. I have the choice because we always have a choice. But then there are the consequences. I know what I need at this moment in my recovery is to focus fully on myself and getting well and hope that I will arrive at a more stable place where I can maintain wellness and ultimately not feel the need to be out sick as much, but I can’t afford to be out of work. So all I can do is clench my teeth, scream if I have to, and set my mind to going no matter what, right? I honestly don’t know. Regardless, I have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, which means whatever I choose, I can’t get the “f it’s” and make unhealthy decisions because I am yet again rendered that child who feels anxious about not having any control over my own life.

Two winters ago I intentionally drove my car into a guardrail during a snowstorm because I didn’t know how/was too afraid to use my voice to ask for help, call in sick, say I was feeling desperate and needed to rest, get well. So I allowed actions to speak for me so I’d have a ‘valid’ excuse. Last November I overdosed to get into detox because I didn’t think people would believe how bad things had gotten and I was too scared to say. Today I’m just going to use my voice and accept the consequences…because I am getting well, even if I have to lose everything for it.

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2 thoughts on “Internal conflict.

  1. A purple elephant says:

    I hear your voice. Hugs and peaceful vibes for today. One day at a time.

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