So…um…err…I’m sorry about completely losing it on here yesterday because now I’m back to thinking more rationally and feeling like a complete jackass for losing my shit in that post. BUT the point of this blog was to be honest and put it all out there…the good, the bad, and the ugly, ugly mess that comes along with having these issues, diseases, whatever semantics you feel most comfortable with.
What happened yesterday? Nothing to warrant my irrational outburst. My place of employment was only following their attendance policy that states you can’t call in for any unscheduled absences more than 5 times a year. Having an addict mind often includes feeling like life isn’t fair for us or exceptions should be made for us because we are sick, both physically and mentally; our thoughts just aren’t always logical or reality-based. So I was advised I had met my limit of unscheduled absences and was placed on a performance improvement plan.’ The bottom line is, I can’t call out for any unplanned reason until after the end of March or I face termination. I started in February so I’m not completely sure how that works but it was undoubtedly explained to me while I was seeing red.
So after receiving this news, I proceeded to have the temper tantrum that became yesterday’s post. I did not have this reaction at work because I actually do want to keep my job and really never allow myself to show anger publicly. I ran through all the rationalizations of why this just wasn’t fair (because one absence was my car accident and a couple I was legitimately normal person sick…which left the times I either chose to leave work or stay home for mental health, because I was an emotional wreck, experiencing anxiety, depression, uncontrollable crying, etc. and was in no shape to try to help others). It doesn’t matter whether these symptoms were withdrawal or post-acute withdrawal or neurochemical or simply due to allowing myself to stay stuck in a cycle of self-hating, self-pitying feeling of hopelessness and weakness. They were moments of me giving up on my ability to get well and they had consequences. It doesn’t matter whether I was making progress or doing what I felt I needed to in order to take care of myself, the reasons why I was unable to work were ultimately just that. And they were to a certain degree my own doing/fault for past choices I shouldn’t have made, leading the progression of my diseases to this point.
So it is inconsequential that I am not in denial and I am making changes and healthier choices for myself more frequently than ever, this is one of my consequences and I have to face and accept it. Life on life’s terms. Like everyone else. So I had my ugly moment yesterday of seething in silence (with the exception of complaining to one coworker and Kristen after I got home and had to admit my failure) and then sharing my King Baby whine on here in written form.
Now I return, tail between my legs, to apologize and commit to starting over and taking responsibility for my actions from here on out, handling any slips and bumps along the way more gracefully. I don’t want to give myself permission for setbacks and thereby cause their occurrence in self-fulfilling prophesy fashion, but I have been doing this too long to hold onto any unrealistic expectations that it will be smooth-sailing. So I need to remain grounded and honest and just keep moving forward, making one healthy, positive choice at a time. That’s the best I can do. And if it doesn’t end up being enough, I will have to deal with the consequences that come. Just like everybody else.