I’m posting this more for myself so I can have it to look back on when/if I hopefully make some progress.

This was already posted on Facebook, but since I’m less likely to go back and read the nonsense I usually post on there, I wanted to make sure I had it available for my own review on here as well.

Seeing everyone post photos or talk about running (because EVERYONE is running, in case you weren’t yet aware…seriously, EVERYONE) makes me feel like I should get off my lazy ass and join this healthy exercise craze thing.Well, part of me feels pressured to do so since I want to take better care of myself and live past 35…another part of me wants to take up smoking or something and call it a day. That’s how my brain operates. Ridiculously irrational.

And yes, it is absolutely my all-or-nothing mentality coming through in full force. Either I go all out and do it perfectly (and obsessively) or say f it and move in the complete opposite direction with all I’ve got. Same thing that is making my recovery challenging…I spent years of my life trying to be perfect and then I broke mentally, emotionally, etc. and have been falling into the ‘I don’t care,’ slacker, f it approach to life. I am trying to find balance now and it’s scary because I know I have it in me to jump right over the middle and fall face first back into perfectionsm…overworking, over-exercising, etc. Aside from my general laziness as of late, it is what has made me afraid to start any sort of exercise routine (esp cardio) because I don’t want to return to the years of my life I spent 4 hours in the gym, 7 days a week. I don’t trust myself yet, plain and simple. But the nagging, uneasy feeling to be more active again is getting stronger and I know if I can stick to limits, it will be really healthy and have many positive benefits. IF I can figure out how to stick to limits and not become obsessive-compulsive…not something I have ever done really well at…but I want to get there because not doing anything also leaves me feeling incredibly anxious and wanting to continue self-medicating that away in unhealthy ways…

My other concern is that my heart would literally explode if i exerted myself even a tiny bit because of all the strain I’ve put on it doing unhealthy things. Maybe I just need to start slowly. I do think I need to start something if I want to try to break out of my all-or-nothing core though. Man, just thinking about it is making me tired and anxious though;) I am full of excuses and rationalizations. Cut it out, Sonja.

Whenever I find myself motivated to engage in something more physical, I usually select yoga. I like the mental benefits it affords and it’s been a safer bet for me in terms of not becoming an obsession. I would eventually like to incorporate something cardio though too. One thing that makes me hesitate to join a class is my innate tendency to exercise by myself. It turns out I am pretty anti-social when I’m sober, often preferring to hole myself up at home with a book instead of getting out and doing things with people. This is probably also why I spend so much time interacting and sharing on the internet…it comes much more naturally to me. However, I want to push myself to try new things and make changes and working out with others might be a way to help me develop a moderate exercise routine as well as be more social.

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