I don’t understand life. What is the point of all the pain? I have been in pain for most of my life. A lot of people seem to be. I really shouldn’t be so terrified of death. Life is the frightening part. Maybe that’s how I get over my fear of death…by realizing that it might offer some peace. The nothingness I have been so afraid of…maybe it’s where I will finally find comfort, an end to the suffering…wouldn’t that be ironic.

For now, I will remain as frightful of death as ever and try to have hope that I will work through this unease and do whatever it takes to live an honest, fulfilling life in recovery from self-inflicted pain.

I need to turn my guilt and regret over choices I should have made differently into fuel to propel me forward (but not an angry at the world and self kind of fuel because that is just pain too). If I don’t, I will remain stuck and doomed to repeat living the way that got me here in the first place. And if i know anything, I know I don’t want that.

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